Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon

me: look up at the sky???

nurse: name?

me: david

nurse: age?

me: 35

nurse: sex?

me: almost once

Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.

Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?

No mate, a landline 🙄

*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”

MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u

MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on

ME: *visibly ages*

I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.

“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.

Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.

I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.

*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”

Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.

HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same

Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.

i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it

The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.

I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.

“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!

Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.

Customer: do you sell {item}?

Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in

Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*

APPLE TV+: Our latest show stars four Oscar winners and costs $75M per episode. We have done zero advertising for it and it has been viewed by approximately 47 people.

NETFLIX: We’re excited to announce a seventh season of our most watched show, Airport Bathroom Toilet Camera.

DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur

ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here

Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?

Me: Not really, I’m stuffed

Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check

Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.

If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”

Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.

My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.

ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile

CELLMATE: no

Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.

I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.

Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.

See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.