Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
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I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
Haha good job!!
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
“Sheer Arrogance”
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
#SaturdayBears
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.