Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
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NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
Well, well, well. How the wheels on the bus have gone round and round.
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
Are they really a personal trainer, or do they just want to wear shorts to work every day.
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Found this gold ring today in a garden… just to be safe I should go throw it in a fiery mountain. Gonna need 8 nerds to take a little walk with me, who’s in?
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
Always be kind. You never know who might own a jacuzzi.