Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
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I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
My sister: can you believe that I’m pregnant again! Must be something in the air
Me: yeah your legs
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
The next time you’re hesitant to call or email your elected official because your issue doesn’t seem important enough…
Just remember how many times they texted you begging for $5
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
I just want to be as happy as these people singing about diabetes medication
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’