Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
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Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
Ugh but profoundly
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.