@GaryJanetti

Before you tell me anything about your kid you should know I’m going to mentally leave my body.

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@rickygervais

Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.

@daddydoubts

Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.

@huntigula

Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*

@TheBoydP

Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.

@Lisabug74

[at roller rink]

My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.

@ericsshadow

My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?

@duumb

me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money

@jake_lach

-“I was the girl that hated you back in high school.”
-“I’m sorry, can you be more specific?”

@InternetHippo

[awful tragedy happens]

me (rolling up sleeves): time to be an idiot online

@JillianKarger

ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help