Before you tell me anything about your kid you should know I’m going to mentally leave my body.

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Signs you’re a full fledged adult:

• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking

• You pay attention to the weather now

• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on

• You have a favorite stove burner

• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore


Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for


Accidentally called them endolphins instead of endorphins and I just. Can’t help but picture tiny little dolphins jumping and doing tricks in our brains to make us happy


Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.


The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone


Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-

*puts TV remote to my ear*

Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.


[1st date]

date: …you said you had abs

me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan


When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.