@GaryJanetti

Before you tell me anything about your kid you should know I’m going to mentally leave my body.

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@CatsVsHumanity

Signs you’re a full fledged adult:

• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking

• You pay attention to the weather now

• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on

• You have a favorite stove burner

• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore

@SortaBad

Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for

@writeden

Accidentally called them endolphins instead of endorphins and I just. Can’t help but picture tiny little dolphins jumping and doing tricks in our brains to make us happy

@assfro

Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.

@SaraThomas84

The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone

@squirrel74wkgn

Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-

*puts TV remote to my ear*

Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.

@PaperWash

[1st date]

date: …you said you had abs

me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan

@jellybnbonanza

When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.