Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
Before you tell me anything about your kid you should know I’m going to mentally leave my body.
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Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
-“I was the girl that hated you back in high school.”
-“I’m sorry, can you be more specific?”
[awful tragedy happens]
me (rolling up sleeves): time to be an idiot online
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help