pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
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My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
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They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
looks legit
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.