Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?

me:

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1566459074253815809/pu/vid/576x1024/CU7TzAg_CRmx380e.mp4?tag=12

What I say:

Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the car

What my kids hear:

Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop

I love sleeping in fishnets. Makes you feel like a big honey roast ham.

I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.

I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.

ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?

WIFE: For real

ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.

I just took a shower…

You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.

CAT 911: what’s the emergency?

CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall

CAT 911: you mean a window?

CAT: no it’s definitely a bird

Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.

Just rescued a fly from my wine and put him on a napkin to dry and he dried off and flew straight back into the glass

I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.

“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.

I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.

Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.

Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’

Me: I’m terrified of random letters

Therapist: You are?

Me: (Screams)

Therapist: I see

Me: (Scream intensifies)

You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.

If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies

When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already

Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there

I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.

I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?

Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.

Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.

I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.

I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.

Establish dominance over your children by whining louder

Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.

[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.

Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.

Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*