before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
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*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
My work here is done
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
Thursday Thought.
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.