Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
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I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
If an astronaut goes really fast they’re a fastronaut
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
Them: Name something you’d like to try in the bedroom
Me: How about a full 8 hours of sleep
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
Xylophonist Shredding It
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic