Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved

They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.

hand it over!

Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.

A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?

I said, Kindergarten.

Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?

All of retail: No.

You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessert

They would throw the box away while I walked the dog.

You’d think wrong.

Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.

Dating tip:

If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.

America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.

UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.

Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?

Me: I ordered it battered

Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*

Me: Thanks

I am so glad everything is broken at work today so I could make this

me: I can’t decide what to have

waiter: what about the duck?

duck: I’ll have lasagna

Intel’s responses are magic:

– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.

– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.

– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.

In my 20’s: might hit the club tonight.

In my 40’s: might go to the grocery store to listen to some bangers.

Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.

Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.

Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.

DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.

text from my dad when lebron broke the record

The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester

Me: we need to pick 9 up from school

4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today

People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.

My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!

[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?

Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no

Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.

Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.

“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.

[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]

Guy1: What should we call it?

Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?

Guy1: Nah..

Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?

Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!

“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”

What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?