Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.

Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.

Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.

She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.

wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though

Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%

*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*

I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless

[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.

My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors

Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest

I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.

I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!

I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.

*adds humanitarian to resume

The spelling of “bourgeoisie” was intended as yet another means of oppression

Today’s assignment:

If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”

House sitting for friends while they’re out of town. Never knew Rob kept a diary.

Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*

Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*

House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*

Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting

There are two types of people… those who steal food off your plate and those who you keep in your life

every day my youngest daughter asks if i am here for the “silly billy look-a-like contest.” how much of this is a good man meant to take before he is radicalized

Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men

Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting

i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized

“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.

Don’t tell me how to lift my baby

Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”

Have kids they said…

We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.

My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420

What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.

What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.