Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today and my dermatologist husband stopped a European man buying sunscreen, saying “I’m not trying to be weird, but that is not the sunscreen for you. I’m a dermatologist.” This man ended up picking out what husband recommended and said “you have great skin so I must trust you.”

dentist: u need to floss

me: no

dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth

me: really

dentist: in a fistfight

me: that sounds unrelated

dentist: it was my fist. do what i say

pain

[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those

When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK

I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.

Spell check is for lasers.

I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.

Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.

You find my yoga pants distracting…

…would you like me to take them off?

Haha good job!!

When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.

– Hand held pencil sharpener

Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?

Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?

*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!

interviewer: can you work overtime?

me: *nodding* and space

“you need to step outside your comfort zone” i have $17 in my bank account

Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.

[1994]

Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.

[2019]

Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.

Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”

If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.

Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.

interviewer: any interests outside of work

me: war and space documentaries

mom: he means star wars

me: mom stay in the car

mom: nerd

*on first date*

Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?

Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating

Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow

*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop

Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.

Relationship Status:

Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.

him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery

me: gotcha

[later]

me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*

I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It

I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.