Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.

well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.

Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself

Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear

Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff

[walking into a gym]

me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories

Him: Are you ready?

Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.

Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”

Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.

[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?

Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few

“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.

Lovely man.

Made horrible tea.

You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner

Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food

this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this

can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious

Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.

My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’

ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once

GIRL: holy cow how did you survive

ME: I fell off the bottom rung

My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”

I wish I loved anything as much as the previous owners of our house loved using a label maker

*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet

Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards

My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT

Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.

My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x

Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?

Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.

getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”

Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT

Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE

I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted

In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.

Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge