Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.

Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.

Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?

Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.

Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”

If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.

People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.

I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.

I am not responsible for what my face does when you talk

I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.

I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.

My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”

My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.

Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back

man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me

I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?

Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time

[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.

Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.

Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒

wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat

they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding

In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.

i got 100% on my daughters assignment.

Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.

Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.

You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.

Her: Are you even capable of love?

Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.

I used to work for a large pharmaceutical company. I used to host a load of fake meetings in the nice meeting room, just so me and my colleagues could have a free coffee and biscuits.

Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.