Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
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i have never been so disappointed in all of my life
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
My new work colleague went to Argentina on holiday in September. I knew instantly he and I were not going to be friends when I said to him “at that time of year, it can be bordering on Chile” and he proceeded to tell me he was okay as he’d taken a jacket.
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
I’ve decided to stop wearing a very comfortable maternity romper I love. I figure it’s finally time, now that I’m 84 months postpartum.
I hate when jobs ask me to name a time when I had to de-escalate a situation. N****s don’t even play wit me like that ion have them kinds of issues
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.