Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
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Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.