Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler

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the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you


[Day 1 Of Lockdown]

Wife: *sitting down to dinner* What’s this?

Me: A delicious plate of Cheeto’s


Me: I ate everything else already


My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.


90 years from now, they’ll sing songs about the courage and bravery you displayed during the great “Instagram Selling Your Photos” skirmish.


Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow


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Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*


My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.