Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
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*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.