Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?

My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.

I should probably have stopped when I got to her name

Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood

For those of you wondering how many Reese’s cups you can eat without having a Reese’s cup hangover the next day, the answer is less than 18

We’re intellectual opposites.

You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.

Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China

Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through

Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead

For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.

You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.

Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3

[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”

no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”

date: I like it when guys know what they want in life

me: *megaphone right in her face* ham

Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications

Me: *nodding* a curator

Priest: may God rest his soul

*casket begins to lower*

*I start clapping*

*everyone looks at me*

Me: sorry was that not the end of it

Teacher: how should we punish the students?

Principal: make them stay home

Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..

Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it

*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror*

*returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3

A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women

a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.

Hug your kids as often as possible.

They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock

Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake

Me: aww you must really love cake

Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess

yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government

My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”

I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”

Me: Raising a family is hard.

Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.

Me: What?

Necromancer: What?

My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.

[joins a conga line]

me: I can leave any time I like

[someone joins behind]

me: oh no

When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already