[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
You Might Also Like
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
The manual for my motorized wheelchair says “Do not operate while tired. ” I haven’t moved in six years.
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
what could possibly go wrong?
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself