[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
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The sacred texts.
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
thinking about this
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date