Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?

Me: It’s like writing his name on it.

4: So I-

Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.

a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck

Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.

When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.

Her: You look great without glasses

Me: I don’t wear glasses

Her: *putting them back on* I do

Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.

Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*

How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?

~ all countries

I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:

Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.

The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad

“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff

Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter

Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.

If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??

It’s not you.

Just the things you say, think, and do.

Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.

From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.

Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.

I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK

I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.

Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.

Ps. Shut it, maths police.

The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously

[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]

Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji

You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit

Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask

My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”

Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.

ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down

THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap

pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet

me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here

writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound

– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?