beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
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They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
Duck typos.
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
Whether it’s oversharing with cashiers, feeding stray animals or making paper dolls with celebrity faces we all have our way of coping with loneliness. The important thing is not to get carried away and start a podcast
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
Sometimes I need a break from myself but it’s like ugh everywhere I go there I am.
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work