Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud

Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?

Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?

Expectant Parent:

Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.

Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be

One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T

Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name

I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.

worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman

everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful

Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.

If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.

[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my life

Surgeon: *waves hand* umm hello

my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.

me:

me: nooks and crannies?

him: it’s a kind of candy.

me: whew

We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.

S O O N

I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.

Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*

Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.

Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.

Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!

Thor: I’ll silence their guards.

Captain America: What’s a microwave?

Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!

– squirrels

One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.

Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.

The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.

Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.

Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.

They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler

“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation

Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification

*at psychic reading*

Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time

Me: Ooh you’re good

When I say I’m Christmas shopping the “for myself” is silent

Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid

Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.