Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!

Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons

Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion

Orion’s belt? Waist of space!

Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”

I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad

Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars

Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.

Me: No, two of those are clean.

Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv

My guy didn’t reply to his girl for two weeks and told me that “you gotta give them time to miss you” and now she got a new man

Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole

I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.

life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe

Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas

Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”

We have no idea if you’re lying.

Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.

[solicitor reading my will]

“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],

He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.

I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that

My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner

The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020

You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?

Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.

I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.

Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.

🫠

[waiting at the dentist]

Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*

I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.

everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!

(my loneliness is paralyzing)

[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”

barber: your hair is so dry

pavlov: i forgot to condition it

If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.

My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”

what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes

I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.

It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.