Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
You Might Also Like
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
me, on a business trip calling my kids on my last night: how was your day?
6: it was good, but tomorrow is going to be great!
me: aw, because I’m coming home?
6: because it’s “dress like a winter animal day”
You ever look at yourself on the self-checkout camera and think, “wow, I better write my will.”
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.