Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face

I love when other parents ask me how old my kid is and then say “that’s a good age” like at some point am I gonna say a number and they’re gonna say “oh damn that sucks?”

Show me your pushy.

– Sean Connery shext

Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.

How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?

I think the cat got the dog high.

[my first day at Marvel Comics]

Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!

Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!

“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*

I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.

ME: i wish girls would flock to me

GENIE: ok

ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A

i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.

I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.

went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …

“I’m helping” 😅

“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants

Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.

I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.

if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends

Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?

football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays

When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.

“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.

*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok

Derek: You wanna go out again some time?

Stephanie: Sure, name the date!

Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’

Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that

Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.

STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS

Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.

Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”