Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers

wife: anyone have a pen?

james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.

w: thanks…why 3 times?

jb: its an old pen

w: its a bomb isnt it!?!

jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ

It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm

If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.

My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.

He’s going to be a terrible business owner.

But an incredible mob boss.

Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*

Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.

Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.

Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.

Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”

What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?

Starchy and Husk

If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.

Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.

My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.

I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude

[Eating canned soup]

OMG I love sodium.

I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.

My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”

Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.

Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.

I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.

me: *finally catching up financially*

the brakes on my car: hehe

WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma

A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if

Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.

Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”

*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*

Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.

Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.

Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.