beginning to suspect my gf is only using me for my foot warming capabilities late at night
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me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
7yo: Do you use glue to make slime?
Me: Yeah, there’s glue in slime.
*7yo walks off*
Me: *a few minutes later* Wait!
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
My boss called in sick of me
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
Husband at lunchtime: Shall I make..
Me: Yes.
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
[struggling to get out of a hammock] come here and say that
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
I’m looking for a new telekinesis class. My old one moved unexpectedly