Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

trying to keep bird watching fair so every other trip I just stand there and let the birds check me out for a bit.
maybe occasionally yell “YOU LIKE FROZEN YOGURT??” so they can learn to spot my mating calls

[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”

[spelling bee]

Teacher: your word is forwards

Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one

It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?

A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.

Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds

Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency

Me: I’m being held prisoner

Dispatch: Do they have weapons?

Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords

Dispatch: Umm ok

Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks

Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children

Me: …….Maybe.

Dispatch: 5th one today

Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?

Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.

Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar

Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.

Skip intro

[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?

Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you

Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?

Me: *raises hand*

Them: Get out.

[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.

I don’t like video “games” where you gotta run around collecting shit. You’re not fooling me. Those are errands

I’m at that point on a Monday where no.

HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?

I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.

“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”

If I could turn water into wine I’d have twelve disciples and a multitude of followers too

beware of dog

“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.

[runs out of toilet paper]

Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures

Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.

The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….

….idiot….

[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen

“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”

-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses