beginning to suspect my gf is only using me for my foot warming capabilities late at night
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Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.