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If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
Oooh. This looks like a fun and sensible web service on which to interact with folks of diverse points of view.
– Me, terrible with first impressions
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
Drilling for oil is well boring.
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save