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My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
the answer was staring at me all along
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
I’ll tell the full story later but a 30 year old woman was like “let’s take this outside” to my 68 year old mom in a dollar general and mom was like YEAH YOU DON’T WANT THAT BUT OKAY and went outside and the b***h never came outside lol
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
My eye caught an article about the presidential debate but I read it as “preschool debate” and I’m pretty sure they’re the same thing
lots of war chat today so it is time to remind everyone that you did not in fact fight in world war 2, that was a film you saw
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”