Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.

You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle

when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair

You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working

Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose

Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”

No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.

I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?

Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!

12: It’s called texting.

Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.

Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.

I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her

me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!

fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires

me: ok gimme a sec

My dream job is getting paid to dream

Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.

introverts be like “i know a place” then they go home

I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.

I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.

[creating my Tinder profile]

Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]

Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]

me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol

Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible

Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too

Ninety-five percent of my new follows are beautiful Russian women, which tells me one thing. I’ve still got it!

*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom

Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute

Me: She’s my…. Thank you

When you promised to deliver the project in two weeks but didn’t mention which year

‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’

‘Sure, just hold the butter.’

A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?

Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?

Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…

Me: I have a weekend immune system.

Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…

i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??

Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.