beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
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if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
having children is a pyramid scheme.
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
An app where you and your SO swipe left and right on restaurants until there’s a match. No talking, no negotiation. Who’s building this?
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.