beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
You Might Also Like
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
That time I was late for work and the boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed to call people that any more.”
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
People say you can’t pet every dog, but every dog lover knows that’s just a challenge in disguise.
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.