beginning to understand why deer throw themselves in front of cars
You Might Also Like
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
this article brought to you by lions
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
sistine chapel
