beginning to understand why deer throw themselves in front of cars
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A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
