beginning to understand why deer throw themselves in front of cars
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does anyone know a car vet, my neighbor’s antler fell off
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
After playing guitar all these years, I thought I’d give piano a try. But that’s not an easy instrument to pick up.
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
We have a leprosy outbreak in central Florida and the experts are telling people not to eat armadillos. Just in case you were wondering how it’s going down here…
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.