beginning to understand why deer throw themselves in front of cars
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If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
I had the head of the Civil Aviation Authority in my office earlier. I guess that’s what happens if you forget to duck when getting out a helicopter.
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
Day 2 of my diet
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night