Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
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‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
date: I’m a really big people person
frankenstein: omg, same
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
Don’t touch that.
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
husband: we need to get your ring insured in case there’s a fire or tornado
me: but what if the tornado wants to use my ring to propose to his tornado girlfriend
husband:
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes