Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
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Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
Did you ever have your parents hand you some cash, drop you off at the fair, and tell you they’ll pick you up in 8 hours? Work is the opposite of that.
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
If you wear enough cardigans people will assume you’re smart and you can stop reading entirely.
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
I’ve disappointed better people.
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
Shoo shoo! 😂
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
