Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
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Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
Vacation is a time when every part of you can relax except your bowels.
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
hardest line in real life
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
Every single bad day happened because I woke up
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.