Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
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Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
it is time once again
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
When the app is running smoothly, no one acknowledges the developers. But when it glitches for two seconds, suddenly we’re the most popular guys in the building.
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.