Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit

Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.

Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad

Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.

I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day

I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.

Omg, I love where this is going.

~Me hearing a good recipe.

my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”

*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*

No matter how spicy your sex life is …

If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …

would bay to leaf him.

I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume

I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.

I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.

Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.

I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.

*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop

I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children

triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit

My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.

I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.

Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!

-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀

“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no

Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!

[date]

Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?

Him: No interest, before my time.

Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*

Him: What’re you doing?

[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”

Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.

Body: I’m sooooooo tired

Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES

My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.

Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…

[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail

i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch

i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport