Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

7yo: What are these?

Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.

7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time

Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.

kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can

I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.

Receives a compliment

Me: no sorry we don’t do that here

Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.

eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.

Waitress: Is this your grandma?

Me: My wife.

Waitress: …

Me: …

Waitress: I am SO sorry.

*walks away*

Grandma: Nice one. High five!

The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.

me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go

came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.

I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited

When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them

I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people

I just got an email saying ‘At Google earth we can read maps backwards!’

I thought, “That’s just spam.”

#Google

*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*

*forgets what they’re called*

spider: I need 4 pairs of pants

assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress

spider: I’ll give it a try

[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantastic

assistant: very attractive, sir

God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.

To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰

I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…

let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish

I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.

Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.

Friends with no kids are like:

Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?

I saw this ending much differently.

The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.

[Joining a gang]

me: so who do I stab for initiation?

members: again, this is a book club

Bill is short for Billiam

Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.