Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster

Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?

Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of

This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.

Me at a rave: Where the fuck are the chairs

Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.

*walks out of pharmacy*

Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart

Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”

My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.

I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.

you shouldn’t have to go to work tomorrow if the mayor is getting arrested

Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!

These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?

NOBODY:

AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*

Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.

the secret to my success is everywhere i go i wear a shirt that says STAFF on the back

*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.

If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.

6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?

Me: Only if you want food and shelter.

6: *carefully considers her options*

Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning

Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?

Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.

*Drunk dials Mr. Clean

My house is soooooo dirty right now.

*takes selfie, sends to wife*

Wife: “No.”

*takes pants off*

*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*

*takes selfie, sends to wife*

It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.

If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.

My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷

4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!

Me: Awwww, thank y—

4: It looks like a bug

Me:

Them: What’s wrong with you?

Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*

I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance

They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.