Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
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Raisins are grape jerky.
Walking in the woods, 4-year-old asked if I would carry her armful of rocks. I said no. She asked if I would carry her sweatshirt. I said yes. She handed me her sweatshirt (filled with rocks).
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
sure, that makes sense. no big deal, i just go on linkedin to hang out anyway
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
I’ve had so much tea trying to get rid of this cold that I’m now speaking with a British accent and am fascinated with the Royal family.
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.