Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
You Might Also Like
The future is now.
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
THIS IS A REAL BOOK R U SRS ???
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
I just ate the last piece of cheese in the fridge and it’s cloudy outside.
🎶 Ain’t no sunshine when cheese gone.
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
I need to buy new window blinds, but I hate dealing with shady salespeople.
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
Met another guy who lost his left leg. He’s a cool guy. We make a right pair
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.