behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
You Might Also Like
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
6: are snakes just neck?
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
I love furniture from the Edward Ian period. 😂
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
I love it all
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
Fat chances are my favorite chances
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate