behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
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Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
Legend 🤣🤣
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
My biological clock is wheezing.
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
I was gonna get on the treadmill, but then the couch will get sad
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.