Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.

I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.

I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no

Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.

I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals

There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.

{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor

jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison

me [sitting in a chair]: OMG

jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room

me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?

jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*

me: goodbye cruel world

[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”

Me *enters new password*

Computer: ok

Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?

Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well

Me *crying* that’s not true

It was a drink directly from the bottle kind of day

Opens the bottle of hot sauce

*6 holding a 5 hour energy*

“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”

Go ahead, have kids.

me: i’m proposing to my gf

sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man

me: i need a ring lol

sonic: *nervous* haha

me: *pulling out a baseball bat*

Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]

I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.

Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow

Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy

I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.

[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT

“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”

– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car

Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?

There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.

[at checkout counter]

Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no

My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts

October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.

My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”

So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.

I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.

People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.

Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday

<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?

Me: no

but whales can’t sink a sub

ORCAn they?