Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.

Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.

“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon

Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro

A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller

me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question

cop: ur not even a suspect

me: i just wanted u to know

When’s dinner?

-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner

Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?

Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!

Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.

IT support is currently working on fixing the problem. Thanks for your patience.

Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.

Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.

ME: I really think I could win Survivor!

ME AFTER EXPERIENCING A SLIGHT BREEZE SANS JACKET: I will never go outside again.

Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.

My dreams have come true.

Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.

I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.

Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.

*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this

Therapist: What’s the issue?

Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club

Therapist: You want to talk about it?

Me: That’s right

[married people conversations]

Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?

Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.

Wife: that’s it! thanks!

After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.

Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?

girls in high school: we don’t like you

me: what if i was funny

girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-

me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class

The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.

The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.

saying “i am bad at this”

-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvement

saying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”

-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales

I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.

my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce

To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”

Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card

I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba

I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.