Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
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diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
surely THIS is the open bar where i will finally learn restraint
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
the simulation is moving too fast
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
google is bad now but thats ok. i finished using search engines in 2017. looked everything up already
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
I would love to be the reason you look at your phone and smile
Then walk into a wall
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.