Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
You Might Also Like
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
that’s not arthritis. It’s early onset rigamortus.
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
Wanna run through the forest, while I chase you with a flamethrower?
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!
Onion rings.
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
It finally happened, someone filming for their man on the street interview tiktok series at washington square park accidentally approached another person there trying to film a man on the street interview tiktok series
Happy #NationalCrocDay to all the lovers and haters.
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.