Behind every robot that turns evil is an engineer who specifically installed red LEDs into the eyes just for this scenario.
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i want the dreams to chase me for once
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
Me too, bag. Me too….
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
can’t stop thinking about that time at the planetarium where they showed us a picture of earth and everyone booed.
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
Just saw a guy running down the road with a cape on, so I shouted, “Hey! Are you a superhero!?”
He yelled “no I didn’t pay for my haircut!”
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.