Behind every robot that turns evil is an engineer who specifically installed red LEDs into the eyes just for this scenario.
![]()
You Might Also Like
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
![]()
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
![]()
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..