Behind every robot that turns evil is an engineer who specifically installed red LEDs into the eyes just for this scenario.
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I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
Watching women’s tennis and getting angry at the net. We shouldn’t put needless obstacles in the way of women.
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
“Can you explain the gap in your resume?”
“Sure are you familiar with not getting jobs?”
