Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
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SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
thoughts?
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not how I look first thing in the morning.
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
I removed my birthday from Facebook, and now I keep fooling people randomly by saying that it’s my birthday today.
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
I hope this email finds you in a well
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.