Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.

I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..

*sniffs glue

glue: I have a boyfriend

‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.

Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me

computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up

Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]

Hb: is there any apple pie left?

Me: do you know me at all?

*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel

I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.

The honesty is refreshing

Why are ranches the only house with their own condiment? I demand bungalow sauce!

Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*

[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA

Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.

If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.

3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.

Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob

Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.

I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”

That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it

Know your sleep disorders!

Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.

Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.

Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.

Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.

Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.

Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough

PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.

Unmatched

When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:

Him: Where were you, I was worried!

Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.

Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!

ME: Sorry……dad?

Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.

If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”

I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode

Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.

*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™

You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….