Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
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Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
The second world war should have been called world war returns
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.