Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?

Researching blood spatter patterns to make tonight’s Shelf Elf display as technically accurate as possible

is this a threat

Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.

I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”

Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.

honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions

A two-step guide to warning someone not to hit their head:

1. Wait until they’ve hit their head
2. Say “ooh, mind your head”

Judging by the hair on my black shirts , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.

While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.

Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed

academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you

Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.

[Heaven]

Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL

Me: Too soon…

uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied

[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help

I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st

Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.

Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.

Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.

So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯

[job interview]

HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?

If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.

Science.

What.

Cat: What are you doing?

Me: Nothing.

Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.

Me: No

Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.

Me: No way.

If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.

Trainer: what are your goals?

Me: to pet all the dogs

Trainer: no, fitness goals

Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs

I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.

If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.

*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”

me: you can’t take all that candy to school

son: then what do I do with it?

me: you leave it here

son: here? with you?