Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
You Might Also Like
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
the guy who ran this museum we are in in Slovenia just talked us through how the museum worked and then said “seeing as you’re British, please don’t steal anything for your own museum”
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
One day my kids will move out and discover the dishes don’t clean themselves and I feel for them. I really do.
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*