Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
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[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
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At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
tell em, edith-anne
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How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
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The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
Me: Honey, doctors say you should stand up and walk around every 30 minutes.
Husband: *stands up*
Me: Could you grab me a water while you’re up?
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
girls will be like “i have so much to do” then grabs some snacks and starts watching a 10 part docuseries on serial killers.
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
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PLOT TWIST:
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