Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
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The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
I cannot begin to describe to you all how refreshing it is to me to finally see the real issues of our times being addressed
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
Corn Dogs: Uninserted
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor