Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
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I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
DJ Aligator is my favourite musician named after two things that tried to bite me in my twenties.
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
This kid will have a bright future.
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
I stand by it
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?