Behind every successful man stands a surprised woman and behind her stands the surprised mother-in-law and behind her,your surprised Dad.

You Might Also Like


My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.


You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?


Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything


One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?

Show your work.


Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.


me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in

wife: is it a bird?

me: yeah

mangled superman:


Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.


[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words


Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.