Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
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Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
I’m literally crying
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants