@BrattyBarbie

Behind every successful man stands a surprised woman and behind her stands the surprised mother-in-law and behind her,your surprised Dad.

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@Social_Mime

My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.

@kathybotteas

You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?

@ItsAndyRyan

Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything

@chemical_scum

One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?

Show your work.

@jobless4eyes

Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.

@Browtweaten

me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in

wife: is it a bird?

me: yeah

mangled superman:

@tomrrllc

Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.

@fro_vo

[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words

@TheTweetOfGod

Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.