Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
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‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
Anytime I switch deodorants, it’s like a sexy stranger is following me around all day
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
Halloween candy is more expensive than the drugs they said people hid in them
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
How all things should be taught/explained.
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.