Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Freddie Mercury, Venus Williams, and Bruno Mars walk into a bar.

They didn’t planet that way.

[Spelling bee]

Your word is Monogamous.

M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S

*2 Judges stare at each other*

1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”

6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?

Me:

6: I like it

Me: It’s mistletoe son

My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.

My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?

Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.

I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds

Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.

My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!

“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”

Me: Sees Video

Me: Checks Internet

Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions

the battle rages on

whoever designed giraffes was extremely high

How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home

Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.

If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately

I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s

I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.

My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office

cashier: would you like a receipt?

me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)

cashier: well?

me: I want to talk to a lawyer

When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”

Your move, government.

“Do you have a flavor?”

La Croix: “I have the concept of a flavor.”

[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?

Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?

does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa

If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!

Woman love a men with good grammar

Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.

Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?

Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.

the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors

You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought