Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life

Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.

Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.

Happy Mother’s Day

If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”

DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl

When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.

My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume

Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.

Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?

Friend: we can do a mock interview

Me: ok

Friend: why should we hire you

Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu

*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”

Took my twins to the dentist so now their teeth are clean but we cannot afford further education.

“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened

PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-

TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now

You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?

Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.

Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.

son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?

dad: sure, I’ll join you.

son: should we watch them back to back?

dad: no side by side probably works better.

one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”

Message from teachers: no clubs this week

Message from club coordinator: no clubs this week

Email AND text message from school: no clubs this week

School electronic sign: no clubs this week

Number of parents who asked if there were clubs this week: not zero

Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,

just spent a solid 6 seconds concerned about the sounds my stomach was making before realizing it was a motorcycle outside

My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.

My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?

*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**

Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?

When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,

having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.

a Classic™️that i have been reminded of..

Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.

I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.

[blind date]

Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.

Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*

[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]

“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”

It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices