Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[robbing a bank]

Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go

Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit

[person having normal conversation with me]

Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response

[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?

coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine

me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful

There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.

In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.

Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k

4: I didn’t know lizards were cold

6:

4:

6: BLIZZards

[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard

“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”

–dogs

If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.

[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”

Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.

I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.

My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete

I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry

Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg

So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”

I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.

why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human

You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.

4: mom can I sing just a short song?

me: yes

4: ok its only just three hours long I promise

narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long

Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.

I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.

If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.

It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.

Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.

Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg

PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.

OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵

WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?

Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”

Me: *looks up from phone*

“What?”

A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE