‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
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CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
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My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
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My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
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My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
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My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
even bears disappoint their mothers
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
these two trucks have the same bed length
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
Yup….perfect score!
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.