Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.

Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”

I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.

The news: Let’s ask a random idiot on the street what they think.

Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.

[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahaha

Colonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?

Me: Yeah why?

Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now

The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving

Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.

I just can’t handle it anymore.

‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’

♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫

I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.

*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*

So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!

The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.

I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.

When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs

99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.

That time I was late for work and the boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed to call people that any more.”

wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though

Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”

*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.

I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.

Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..

After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”

My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.

trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card

Her: Umm…Where are you going?

Me: Walking the dog.

Her: When you get back, we need to talk.

* walks dog…returns 3 days later

So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.

This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.

I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE

HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling