Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?

I wish I could put an AirTag on my sanity.

My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.

Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.

[First Date]

HER: I love dogs.

ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.

Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away

im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear

Dance like you’re not the father

Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”

When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”

I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.

So who’s the hero now?

Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.

Actively furious that the global Microsoft outage doesn’t seem to have affected my workplace.

Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!

Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.

Anyway, congrats on your engagement!

Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out

Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.

Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no

it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut

I don’t think I will be asked to make a curry again 🤣🤣🤣

Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.

Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here

Me: what?

Mailman: what’s in the package

Me: oh I thought u meant my house

Mailman: no haha

Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol

Mailman: for real what is it

Me: oh bowling balls without holes

ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.

*cut to confessional camera*

ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.

I still use the word “dude”.

I don’t give a dude.

I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.

*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB

[firing squad]
Any last requests?

“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”

Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE

*gunshots*

Waitress: any questions about the menu?

Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?

me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach

wife: we have never discuss-

me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back

#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.

Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.