Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*

agent: *getting tortured* do your worst

villain: why would i do that

agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough

villain: i’m always doing my best

agent: i know. you’re doing great

villain: thanks

A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”

[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]

Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade

Selfie

Hell hath no fury like a sports bra being applied to a just showered but not 100% dry body.

“Go ahead, caller….”

“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”

CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?

PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room

WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO

My first rodeo and my last rodeo were the same rodeo.

I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today

I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.

Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”

LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?

CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.

Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate

If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.

Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.

🤣😂🤣

Okay, that made me chuckle 😂

Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?

Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.

I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.

Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”

That’s not in the rules!

[touring beyonce’s house]

me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it

The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.

Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars

[movie theater concessions]

Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.

Kids: POPCORN!

Wife: seriously!?!

Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.

I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.

Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105

– Fancy restaurants

I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.

Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.

*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.