Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[group therapy]

me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?

voldemort: uhh no

joker: yikes

darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you

I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.

To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.

I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.

This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.

just leave it at the foot of the bed

There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.

*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*

“What did you wish for?”

“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”

Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one

Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*

Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?

*flashes back to ex

*shudders

What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?

A bookworm!

#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes

The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.

Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???

[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*

Priest: the bride, sir

are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.

Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother

Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.

HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-

ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.

Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!

I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.

Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.

“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”

– Adam & Eve on laundry day

[Lounging in hot tub]

Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”

Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”

That 👊

[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”

If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.

Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!

You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.

Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.