Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
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good for her
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100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
I got a new washing machine that plays a little song when it’s done instead of buzzing and I just found out. So I’d been running outside for an ice-cream truck that doesn’t exist for like, 2 months.
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning