Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
You Might Also Like
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
For anyone who needs this today
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
me and the Superbowl rn
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
When we’re young we are told that we should trust our elders but my dad used to tell me that there’s a breed of fish that only swims backwards because they want to keep their eyes from getting wet so…
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
asked my bf how work was today
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
WWE is French for “yes”
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh