Being a baby must be scary, imagine sleeping at home & you wake up at TJ Maxx
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Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
ever thought about centaurs and how the bottom half would start walking immediately after birth but the top part would be baby like and flop around for a while.
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
Your secret is safeish with me
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
What element do criminals hate to see?
Copper
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
yea so i messed up lol
