Being a baby must be scary, imagine sleeping at home & you wake up at TJMAXX
You Might Also Like
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.