Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…

A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.

“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”

My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.

Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming

Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*

Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.

Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.

when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table

I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.

Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!

Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*

do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?

Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.

911: 911, whats your emergency?

Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.

911: what’s your location?

Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.

911: can you spell that for me?

Man: (pause)

911: Sir?

Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back

FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY

A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year

GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually

I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.

To all staff: the library now uses new programs for collaboration, project management, scheduling, and messaging. Each has different password requirements with 12-factor authentication. This will boost productivity for the 20 minutes a day that you’re not logging into something.

Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.

Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika

Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.

I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.

[inventing facebook]

Everyone: My family isn’t racist.

Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha

11:34: Arrived at crime scene

11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle

11:34: Found murder weapon in drain

11:34: Realized watch was broken

Boss: We need you to go undercover

Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here

Boss: Today’s your first day

Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”

My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.

Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”

I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs