Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
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Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.